Sometimes it can all get too much
by Kristie
Summary: When David Jennings arrives at the M*A*S*H hospital, he knows he can never go back to the front. But no one knew he would go to such drastic measures to do so. Can Hawkeye and BJ steer him in the right direction?? This is my first fanfic, all comments


Disclaimer - All characters and places in this story do not belong to me, they have been used strictly for the entertainment of myself and others.  
  
This is my first fanfiction story, all comments welcome.  
  
Hawkeye yawned as he walked out of the operating room, stretching out cricks that came from 14 hours straight of meatball surgery. His yawn was echoed by BJ who followed close behind.  
  
Colonel Potter was already out, his few moments of peace quickly shattered by an all too familiar whine. "Colonel, it's very hard to work with all that noise in there, I need to concentrate!"  
  
Frank Burns, after 14 hours straight standing over an operating table still had enough energy to exercise his favourite complaint. Potter slowly opened his eyes, and said, "What exactly do you want to me to do about it, Frank?"  
  
Frank drew himself up to the little height he had in terms of respect and responded, "If they don't stop, then I refuse to work at all!"  
  
Hawkeye started applauding. "Congratulations Frank. That decision just saved countless lives. South Korea is celebrating tonight." Frank's face grew annoyed at this comment and realizing he couldn't win, he quickly left.  
  
"How that man ever became a doctor, I'll never know." BJ spoke out for the first time. "Well there's no use wasting any more sleep over it, there's a bed out there and I can hear it calling my name from here."  
  
Hawkeye had had enough. The two exhausted doctors left Potter and trudged off to the Swamp.  
  
  
  
In post-op, most of the patients were sound asleep.  
  
Except for one.  
  
His dreams had made sure that he wouldn't be sleeping for a long time. Lieutenant David Jennings had only been eighteen when the draft notice came through. His mother had begged him to not go. His father had been mostly silent but David knew that what his father wanted his son to do. Serve his country and make his country proud like a Jennings son would. Eventually even his own eyes had been clouded over with visions of heroics and nobility.  
  
As soon as he arrived in Korea, he knew he had been horribly wrong. For the past eighteen months his life had been one desperate struggle to dodge the explosions, the gunfire and make sure that he never became a part of it. Slowly, the reasons for keeping his life had faded, to a point where he had seen the explosion coming and realized he wasn't capable of any sort of reaction towards it. It was like he was watching himself in a movie. But this movie wasn't fiction it was real.  
  
He did not care if he survived it, he just knew that the war had won; it had destroyed him so why mess with it anymore.  
  
There was something David noticed right away about the post-op ward. The sound of silence. In his state, he had no idea where he was, he just noticed the silence. Amidst the hazy thoughts in his head, there was only one that made sense to him.  
  
He couldn't go back.  
  
  
  
Hawkeye burst into pre-op the next day, feeling more alive after his short but much-needed sleep. His good mood was evident in the fact he had decided to dress up for this morning routine.  
  
"Good evening and welcome to tonight's show," he declared at the door of pre-op before sweeping up the clipboard of the bed nearest to him. He smiled at the young man who looked slightly bewildered. "Congratulations on being tonight's first contestant. If you can answer this question correct, you win a fantastic prize. A free all-expenses paid trip to Toyko!"  
  
He paused for dramatic effect before asking the big question. "How are you feeling today?" The young man looked confused. "That's it? That's the question?"  
  
Hawkeye sat down beside the patient and started checking his vital signs. "Unless you can think of a better one, that'll have to be it." "Well." The young man hesitated before continuing. "I feel terrible Doc."  
  
"Correct!" shouted Hawkeye, standing up. "You win!" He shook the patient's hand before continuing his routine onto the next patient.  
  
BJ had entered pre-op and looked onto his friend's antics with amusement. If there was one person who could succeed in keeping people sane amidst all this insanity it was Hawkeye. He started checking his patients, though not quite the same way as Hawkeye.  
  
  
  
David watched the doctor in a suit pretend to be a game show host and almost smiled. It struck him as funny that someone could afford to be like that in a place like this.  
  
The other doctor arrived at his bed and noticed his interest in Hawkeye. BJ smiled reassuringly at David and asked him if he was enjoying the show.  
  
David did not answer and looked away.  
  
BJ became concerned. The patient's vital signs showed that physically he was healing. It seemed there might be something else.  
  
BJ sat down on David's bed and asked him, "Is everything all right?" David didn't answer. BJ had come across these patients before. It didn't take a psychologist to figure out what was wrong. He sighed before continuing on. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"  
  
Again there was no answer.  
  
"Ok," said BJ. "I'll be back later on if you need me." He stood up and saw Hawkeye looking at the patient closely. "He won't talk to me."  
  
Hawkeye nodded, recognising the situation. BJ continued on. "I would get Father to come and talk to him but he's in Seoul." BJ spoke again, a slight idea in his head. "But he seemed to like your show."  
  
A grin came over Hawkeye's face. "Oh did he now." A quick look at the clipboard told him the patient's name and he sat down on the bed. "So David, you want to be a part of the show?"  
  
David turned his head and looked at Hawkeye. "There's only one prize I want."  
  
Hawkeye grew quiet and replied. "And what's that."  
  
"To go home." His voice grew desperate.  
  
"I can't go back, you can't make me go back!"  
  
To his horror he felt tears behind his eyes and blinked rapidly to stop them. Hawkeye was silent for a while before answering. "I'm sorry to say that after a rest in Seoul, there's nothing physically stopping you from going back."  
  
David was dreading this answer and burst out. "I'm warning you! Make me go back and you'll be sorry." He resumed his gaze on the wall near him and wouldn't look at either doctor.  
  
Hawkeye, realising there was nothing else he could do, stood up and walked away.  
  
BJ stood quietly, looking at the sullen David before continuing onto his other patients. Later on outside, he joined Hawkeye who was sitting down on one of the benches. BJ noticed the look of worry on Hawkeye's face. Only people knowing him so well could have picked it.  
  
Hawkeye noticed him looking at him and sighed. BJ, knowing how Hawkeye felt about these kids because he felt the exact same thing, gave a rational answer that he knew Hawkeye would probably take no notice of. "You can't save them all Hawk."  
  
Hawkeye was rubbing his eyes and wishing that Father was here to sort things out. Or even Sidney Freedman. Both men could help these problems.  
  
Not Hawkeye.  
  
BJ made him leave and go to the mess tent for some coffee.  
  
  
  
  
  
"This was supposed to make me feel better?" Hawkeye was swirling in his cup something that only slightly resembled coffee.  
  
BJ replied, "Didn't your mother ever tell you to never play with your food?" "Yes but this isn't something she would consider as being in the food category."  
  
Outside a slight commotion made both men divert their interest from the brown liquid in their cups.  
  
"Help!!" Radar's yelling brought half the camp out to see what was wrong. Potter came rushing out of his office. "Radar what's going on?"  
  
"One of my rabbits escaped sir and I don't know where it's gone!"  
  
Radar looked truly upset, he loved his animal friends.  
  
Potter sighed, if it wasn't Klinger and his crazy tricks there was always something else out there to disturb him. "Well there's nothing you can do but spread the word." Potter was sure that the rabbit couldn't get far. Radar scurried off to do just that.  
  
Potter yelled after him, "Make sure it doesn't get into post-op!!" then he said more quietly to himself, "or the mess tent."  
  
Radar could be heard all over the camp. "Here Fluffy, come out boy, it's me!"  
  
By this time, Frank had sauntered out with a familiar look of disapproval on his face. "What seems to be the matter, Corporal?"  
  
Radar stopped his frantic searching right away and without looking at the major just answered, "Nothing sir, I've just lost something, that's all."  
  
"Look at me when I speak to you, Corporal!" Radar looked up, willing for Frank to go away so he could keep looking.  
  
"The Colonel has lost his, um, glasses yeah his glasses and I was just looking for them sir."  
  
"But I just saw him a minute ago and he had them on."  
  
Hawkeye by this stage had joined them and commented, "They're special glasses Frank, makes the wearer see what people are really like. I think you better stay away or the Colonel might find out the horrible truth."  
  
Frank looked annoyed. "Oh ha ha." Realising he had nothing else better to say, he strode away.  
  
Radar looked relieved that Frank had gone and told Hawkeye about his rabbit. Hawkeye looked thoughtful as he gazed towards the post-op tent.  
  
"He wouldn't be white, fluffy, this long -" Hawkeye indicated the length with his hands, "and have a huge crush on one the nurses on duty today?"  
  
Radar quickly caught on to what he was saying and rushed off towards post- op.  
  
  
  
  
  
David faintly heard the shouts made outside but gazed steadily at the top of the tent above him. For some reason, something made him look at the door. To his enormous surprise there was a white rabbit, sitting there like he owned the whole place.  
  
David had always loved animals. Before being drafted, he was all set to become a vet. Of course this all changed the day the letter arrived, telling him things he never dreamed of happening to him.  
  
He sneaked a look at the nurse who had temporarily left the room. Quickly he slipped out of bed, ignoring the feeling you get after spending a long time lying down and suddenly standing up, and grabbed the rabbit. He crept back to his bed and started cuddling it, the rabbit hardly believing the huge fuss made of it.  
  
Just as he got back into bed, Radar burst through the door. He quickly scanned the room before resting his eyes on David. The rabbit looked like it was in heaven and David was happily enveloping it in affection.  
  
Knowing of how he was emotionally, Radar quietly backed out of the room and decided to get Hawkeye.  
  
  
  
  
  
"You like animals David?" Hawkeye was sitting on David's bed, after handing the rabbit back to Radar. It had been surprisingly easy getting the rabbit off the young man. Hawkeye had had experiences with patients and animals in the past and was glad at David's co-operation.  
  
At Hawkeye's mention of animals, David seemed to come alive. He answered Hawkeye quite cheerfully. "I've always wanted to be a vet."  
  
Hawkeye smiled to see he finally found something to get through to the young man. However David's face suddenly changed. "Then I got drafted and that was the end of that. And I'm warning you again, there is no way I am going back."  
  
He became silent and started gazing at the roof again.  
  
Hawkeye knew better than to push it, frustrated again at the injustice for the people in the war. He continued on looking at other patients, though not with quite the same happy attitude he had had that morning.  
  
  
  
  
  
Later on the Swamp, Hawkeye was quiet with his glass of martini.  
  
BJ asked him what was on his mind. Hawkeye answered, "It's that kid, David. I can't quite put my finger on it but something about him makes me feel really uneasy."  
  
"Come on Hawk, you know what happens. They stay here a while, get patched up, get shipped to Seoul or Tokyo and hopefully we'll never see them again." BJ took a sip of his drink.  
  
"Yeah I know that he'll be gone soon but there's just something about him I don't like."  
  
"Well," said BJ, "in my opinion it's not worth losing sleep over, which is what you're doing right now." He put down his empty glass before lying down. "Go to sleep Hawkeye."  
  
"Ok mum," Hawkeye mumbled distantly before lying down as well.  
  
Good old Frank was happily snoring away in the corner but that was nothing new.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Please, allow me to show you around the camp," said Hawkeye. The new nurse smiled irresistibly at him, a smile that made Hawkeye glad he was still a single man. He had no idea what her name was but details could come later. "And this is what is known as the supply tent, where many hours of enjoyment have been well, enjoyed." He opened the door, and turned around to lead his lovely lady inside. Except for one minor problem. How on earth did she turn into Radar O'Reilly??  
  
"Hawkeye wake up!!!!" Hawkeye blearily opened his eyes to find, alas not a lovely female nurse but Radar, shaking him like a dog with a pull toy. Suddenly Hawkeye was awake and Radar's urgency had hit him with full force.  
  
"What!" he yelled. Radar backed off a little at Hawkeye's outburst but soon told him that David was at this very moment in the middle of post op with a gun, declaring they either send him home or he would make sure he arrived there in a wooden box.  
  
Hawkeye exclaimed, "Who let him have the gun?" Radar quickly replied, "I don't know but you better come quick. Colonel Potter is there now but I don't think he's getting anywhere."  
  
Hawkeye woke up BJ who had the same bleary eyes until he was told what was happening. Both doctors quickly made their way to post-op.  
  
  
  
  
  
David was almost enjoying the attention he was creating. It almost scared him, the amount of power he now held. Maybe now he would finally convince them how serious he actually was. He saw that dark-haired doctor enter the room, with that fair-headed one. He had warned them didn't he?  
  
Hawkeye immediately saw David's eyes and realized that this wasn't going to be an easy task. Potter had been talking to him but so far no success.  
  
"See!" yelled David. "I warned you didn't I but you wouldn't listen. None of you would listen!!"  
  
He started waving the gun wildly around. Potter continued pleading with him to put down the gun. "David, just put down the gun and I'm sure we can sit down and sort all of this out."  
  
He noticed Hawkeye enter the room and gave him a look that Hawkeye immediately understood. He started to make his way towards David.  
  
David suddenly realized what was happening and pointed his gun directly at Hawkeye. Hawkeye stopped dead in his tracks and found himself looking directly down the barrel of the pistol. He had always hated them and the reason for hating them now stared at him in the face.  
  
Hawkeye stopped looking at the gun and met David's eyes.  
  
There was complete silence. The tension was so incredibly thick that only a few people in the room dared to breathe. Potter was intently watching David's face, getting ready for any slight change in it. Radar was standing nervously by the door; his uncanny sense of knowing things before they happened was not giving him good signs. BJ was ready by Hawkeye's side in case he was needed, his face tense and wishing that Father Mulcahy were here. Margaret, the nurse on duty who had raised the alarm was silent and waiting to see what was going to happen next.  
  
Hawkeye knew the next few moments were crucial. Again the thought of how unsuited he was to cope with these situations flashed in his mind. He faced life and death situations everyday but not like this.  
  
His voice grew very quiet. "David, we all know what you're going through. I see your pain everyday and I am amazed that so many people can deal with it at all. I don't blame you for doing what you are doing. Believe me I've thought of it often myself. But I'm needed here. And I'm sure that somewhere you're needed as well. Just give put the gun down and we'll go off and just talk this out."  
  
Hawkeye had seen the desperation in David's eyes. He recognized it because he so closely identified with it himself.  
  
Slowly, with his eyes steadily fixed on Hawkeye, David slowly raised the gun to his temple. Hawkeye's face couldn't lie and David knew that he only had one choice. Hawkeye took a deep breath and quickly flicked his eyes in Radar's direction. He hoped that the corporal would sense what he wanted. Radar quickly left the room.  
  
Hawkeye continued on, desperate to keep David talking. "David, I know you're scared. But you're not the only one. It's okay to be afraid. It's madness really to believe that nothing is affecting you because believe me, we all have to find different ways to cope. This isn't one of them though." Hawkeye noticed that Radar had come back with a friend and started backing away to where Radar stood by the door.  
  
"Now here is someone who is reason enough for you to be needed.  
  
David looked fearfully at Hawkeye, his bold front of only seconds ago was fast fading. He had no idea what was about to happen next.  
  
Hawkeye took a white bundle of fluff from Radar who suddenly sensing the danger was slightly reluctant to let it go. Slowly, Hawkeye drew nearer to David and when he was as far as he dared, he set the animal in his hand to the floor.  
  
It was Fluffy, slightly puzzled at this bizarre change of scene but still inquisitive at its new surroundings. David started to tremble, sweat was starting to pour down his face. The gun did not feel as secure in his hand and in its present position against his head. Slowly he looked down at the rabbit who, recognizing David as a friend, started to make its way to him.  
  
Everyone watched transfixed as the rabbit hopped completely unafraid to David's feet and lifted a front leg as a sign of affection. Very quietly and very gradually, David lowered the gun and put it as far away from the rabbit as possible. All of the people in the room watched as David slowly bent down to the floor and picked up the rabbit.  
  
BJ saw his chance and grabbed the gun, hoping not to scare David.  
  
But David did not even notice him. His love of animals had won over his decision to die and Hawkeye hoped there would never have to be a choice again.  
  
Across the room, Radar breathed a sigh of relief, both for David and his precious rabbit.  
  
Potter saw his cue and slowly went up to David, saying, "Son, it's over." Hawkeye suddenly had trouble standing up and needed a nearby bed for support. He had often faced death in terms of other people but this time it was for himself and the full force of what could have happened suddenly hit him.  
  
BJ went over to Hawkeye and said the only thing that could be said. "Come on Hawk, I'll buy you a drink." David just continued cuddling the rabbit hardly even aware of what might have been.  
  
Lieutenant David Jennings saluted Hawkeye and BJ before entering the chopper. He had taken each of them aside and shaken their hand, almost shyly thanking them for all they had done. The last few days of his stay at the 4077 was spent mostly talking over things, sometimes in post-op and sometimes in the Swamp over a dry martini.  
  
Father Mulcahy had returned and in his own way, had also helped David a great deal. David had learnt a major lesson and he wasn't going to forget it in a hurry.  
  
The chopper took off, leaving both BJ and Hawkeye with the feeling that they hoped for David's sake, they would never see him at the 4077 again.  
  
Radar suddenly appeared, saying choppers were on their way. BJ sighed as he and Hawkeye stood and waited for them to arrive.  
  
"Damn this war," swore Hawkeye, not for the first time.  
  
BJ understood what he meant and replied, "They just keeping them coming don't they."  
  
Maybe there would be another David amongst the coming wounded. Or another kid with another set of problems. Whatever the case maybe, Hawkeye and BJ were sure to help them out as they had helped so many people before and so many people to come.  
  
But when the time came, who would help them? 


End file.
